


How Light Carries On Endlessly

by Danzcoach24



Category: The Kissing Booth (2018)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-13
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:13:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26273911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danzcoach24/pseuds/Danzcoach24
Summary: Fits into the movie verse way more than the books.  In the gazebo scene Noah says he likes hanging out with Elle...but we don’t see that.  Also, Elle says when her mom died she “talked” to her about Noah...so this is my attempt to make those things make sense.  This could also be part of the universe I created in my other TKB story “What Did You Just Say” but you’re don’t need to read that to understand this.  I do not own these characters but all mistakes are mine.  Please read and review.
Relationships: Elle Evans/Noah Flynn
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

Elle’s visit with her mom has been hard....her dad had left them alone after he told Elle that there was nothing else the doctors could do. Elle had tried to be strong...tried to help her mom with her makeup....and she mostly succeeded....at least about staying strong. As always her mom had been amazing....telling Elle it was going to be ok...telling her how much she loved her...but when she fell asleep Elle crumbled. The thought of life without her mom was crushing. Elle’s mind was racing through all the things she would miss.....all the times her mom wouldn’t be there....the first time she kissed a boy...the prom....college. Finally it got to be too much and Elle left the hospital. She kept trying to call Lee but ended up taking a cab to his house. 

Knock knock knock

“Lee it’s me...please open the door.....Lee are you there...Lee...”

The door opened as Elle continued to knock and Elle’s fist was suddenly on Noah’s chest.

“Hey Shelly if you wanted to touch my chest you could’ve just asked.”

“Sorry....I was just looking for....Lee‘s not answering his....I really need....”

“Lee’s not here....mom and dad are dropping him off at our grandparents for a few days....didn’t he tell you.”

“Shit....I totally forgot. Ok. Ok. Yeah I’m sorry for coming here...I’ll just call a cab....”

“Hey are you ok?”

“Yeah...yeah...I just forgot...”

As Elle turned her face the front porch light hit her and Noah could see her eyes were red and her face was tear streaked.

“Have you been crying?”

Elle began to wipe at her face.

“Um no....allergies are bad....you know pollen.”

Her wiping became more frantic.

“Elle....”

Her hands stopped over both her eyes and she broke down....her knees gave out but before she could fall she felt Noah’s arms around her. 

“Hey. Hey. I got you. It’s ok. I got you.”

Elle’s sobs only got louder and her body began to shake. Noah did the one thing he could think of. Picking her up bridal style he carried her into the living room. Carefully he sat down on the couch, cradling Elle in his lap. He could feel her tears wetting his shirt. He could feel her body bursting with tears. He felt utterly helpless. So he did what his mom had always done when he was little and would cry....he gently rubbed a hand up and down her back.

Later, neither would be able to say how long they stayed that way....Elle sobbing and Noah just rubbing her back....but after a while her tears stopped and she lifted her head away from his shoulder, embarrassed.

“I’m sorry....I didn’t mean to....I forgot Lee was away....oh look at your shirt...I don’t think it’s ruined or anything.”

Elle started patting the wet spot on his shoulder like that would somehow make her tears disappear.

“It’s fine Elle....it’s just water...and I have other shirts. You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

Noah could see the reluctance on her face. She came here to see Lee....her best friend....her brother in all but blood...and she got stuck with him...the one person in his family most ill equipped to deal with whatever it was that Elle was going thru...but he cared about her too. She may be his brother’s best friend but they all grew up together....their families were always together...he loved Elle too.

“Elle you can tell me....I may not be a Lee....but you can trust me....”

“I know that...I do trust you....it’s just....I don’t know if I can even say it out loud....it’s too hard....it’s not fair....I don’t want her to go....she supposed to be here for all this stuff...for my life and she is gonna miss all of it....because of stupid cancer!”

Elle dropped her head back on Noah’s shoulder and he could feel her tears returning. He let her be for a bit and when she had collected herself enough to lift her head he gently asked....

“Did something happened? With your mom?”

He didn’t need her to answer....he saw it in her eyes...Joni wasn’t going to make it....he could actually feel his heart break...for himself and Lee, who would be loosing a second mom....for his own mom, who was loosing her best friend....for Mr. Evans for loosing his wife and for Brad and Elle who were gonna loose their mom. Noah could feel his own tears well in his eyes. Elle was right....stupid cancer!

“I’m so sorry Elle.”

He wished he could say more. He wished he knew what to say to make her feel better. Nothing he came up with in his bead seemed enough...everything seemed so trivial and trite. 

Elle dipped her chin but Noah could still see her face scrunch up and a new wave of tears start to fall. Noah gently pressed on her back and brought her face back onto his shoulder. As time passed Elle became quiet and Noah could feel that she had stopped crying...it took another second for him to realize she had fallen asleep. What was he supposed to do now? His parents would be home soon and he didn’t want them to find him and Elle like this....he had his reputation protect. After running thru his limited options Noah decided to try to get Elle into the guest room. She seemed pretty out and she was so tiny....Noah knew he could get her up the stairs without issue. 

With little effort Noah stood up with Elle still in his arms....she wiggled a little as he too adjusted his hold on her but otherwise she stayed asleep as he carried her up the stairs. Once in the guest room he laid her down on the bed and pulled the extra blanket his mom always kept in there over her small frame. Noah quietly exited the room but kept the door slightly open. Elle would recognize the room when she woke up....she had slept in it enough growing up...but Noah didn’t want her waking up alone in a dark room. He then went back downstairs to wait for his parents.

About an hour later he heard their car pull up and the front door open. Soon enough his mom was walking into the living room.

“Hey sweetie, how was your night?”

“Um....Elle showed up really upset looking for Lee...I couldn’t let her leave here like that...she is sleeping in the guest room....mom....how sick is Joni?”

Noah could clearly see his moms shoulders sag as his dad walked into the room. Sara looked at her husband and he nodded.

“I’ll go check on Elle and let Mike know she is here...you two talk...I’ll be upstairs if you need me.”

Sara kissed him as he smiled at both of them and went up the stairs. Sara then turned towards Noah and sat next to him on the couch. 

“It’s not good. We have known for a while. This last round of treatment was really the only thing left to try and it’s not working....Joni has decided to stop everything. She just wants to....she feels she needs to be home when.....”

Tears were streaming down Sara’s face. Noah had never seen his mom cry and felt useless for the second time that night.

“You don’t have to say it mom....Elle couldn’t say it either.....how much....do they know when....how much time until she is gone?”

“Maybe a few weeks. There is no way to really tell.”

“What can we do....is there any way to help? I didn’t know what to do for Elle tonight.”

Sara’s face soften as she smiled slightly at her son.

“Oh sweetie I wish there was but letting Elle stay here that was good....I can’t imagine how upset she was....thank you for doing that.”

“I love her too mom. I know she is Lee’s best friend but....I’ve known her my whole life.....she is important to everyone in this family....so is Joni...I can’t believe she....I never thought she wouldn’t get better....”

“Oh baby, me neither. She is the strongest women I know....and the most stubborn....I always thought she would beat this.”

“Elle is just as stubborn....”

Both chuckled.

“Yes she is. Are you ok? Tonight couldn’t have been easy for you either, I’m sorry we weren’t here when she came.”

“I’m ok.....sad, obviously....I mean Joni has always been here you know? Football games, holidays, birthdays...and now....it just seems really unfair that Elle is going to loose her mom....that we are all going to loose Joni.”

Noah’s eyes welled up as his mom pulled him into a hug.

“I know baby...I know....”

When Sara pulled away she began wiping tears from her face.

“Here is what we are going to do....we are going to be there for whatever Joni and Elle and everyone else needs. Ok?”

Noah, wiping his own tears, nodded as he spoke.

“Ok yeah...whatever they need....I can do that.”

Sara smiled as she cupped Noah’s face with her hands.

“My sweet boy....I know you can....you can do anything.”

Noah smiled back and after a moment began to yawn.

“Why don’t you head up to bed. We can talk more in the morning if you need.”

“Thanks mom.”

Noah went to get up off the couch but when he got up he turned towards his mother and bent down to kiss the top of her head and whispered.

“I love you mom.”

“I love you more baby.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Again, this story fits nicely into TKB universe I created in my previous story but I don’t think you need to read that to understand this. All mistakes are mine. Please read and review.

Elle had a moment of panic when she woke up in the morning but as she looked around she realized she was in the Flynn’s guest room and was flushed with relief....until she remembered why....her mom was dying....her beautiful for of life and love mom only had a few weeks to live. She pushed her face into the pillow and began to cry....she thought that this way no one would hear. She was wrong....after a few minutes there was a soft knock on the door and the sound of Noah's voice filled the room.

“Elle....I know you are up....I could hear you....”

Elle felt a gentle hand on her shoulder she opened her eyes to find Noah crouched down beside her.

“Hey.....did you sleep ok?”

Elle sniffled and lifted a hand to wipe her face.

“Yeah....what time is it?”

“10....”

Elle sat straight up.

“Oh shit my dad....he doesn’t know where I am,...he is gonna freak...”

“My dad called him last night after my parents got home. He knows you are here.”

Noah could see Elle relax for a moment but then tense up again.

“Last night....I’m so embarrassed...I’m sorry I was such a mess....you must think I’m a baby....”

“Elle stop....you have nothing to apologize for or be embarrassed about.....”

“Thanks but I’m sure you had better things to do then deal with my crying on your shoulder last night.”

“I was where I needed to be....”

Elle looked at him and was struck with how sincere he sounded and the amount of care she could see in his eyes. Sure they had grown up together but Elle had always been pretty sure that to Noah she was nothing more than his little brothers annoying best friend. The look in his eyes told her different....he saw Elle...he cared about her. She let out a breath she hadn’t realized she was holding.

“Thank you for last night. It really helped to have a shoulder to cry on.”

Noah smiled as he stood up. Elle missed the warmth of his hand on her shoulder but decided to unpack that side effect of her life long crush later.

“I’ll always be here for you......obviously you are welcome to stay in bed as long as you want but my mom made your favorite....”

Elle’s face lite up.

“Monkey bread?!”

Noah laughed as Elle jumped out of the bed. That was the Elle he has always known. He was glad she could still be that way....even for a little while...given what was going on.

“Yeah....come on...she’s been waiting for you to wake up...”

“Wait....how much does she know....does she know about my mom....that’s she’s.....”

“Yeah. She already knew when they got home last night.”

Elle absorbed that information as Noah placed a hand on her back. It struck her that his touch seemed to calm her during a time she felt anything but calm....but again she brushed it off as part of her never ending crush on him.

When they got into the kitchen Sara greeted them with a warm smile and then walked around the kitchen aisle to engulf Elle in a hug.

“Hey sweetie. How are you doing?”

As they pulled apart both had tears in their eyes.

“I’m ok. Thanks for letting me stay here last night.”

“You know you are always welcome here. I’m just glad Noah was home.”

Elle looked over at Noah as he seemed to duck his head in embarrassment....no that can’t be...what did he have to be embarrassed about?

“I am too. He really helped.”

Sara looked between Elle and Noah...both seemed to be blushing....she didn’t know Noah was capable of blushing....could Joni have been right? Was there something between the two of them that went beyond Elle’s bond with the rest of the family? She would have to talk to Joni about it before....Sara couldn’t even complete the thought before she started crying. Her hands went to cover her face as she felt Noah’s arm wrap around her shoulder. She looked up proudly at her son.

“I promised Elle monkey bread.”

“Right...right....coming right up.”

Sara smiled at the two as she turned around to open the stove. Noah moved around the island to sit next to Elle. After cutting each of them a piece Sara sat opposite them as they ate. It was weird, Sara was used to Elle being physically close to Lee.....those two were always huddled together doing something....but this closeness with Noah was new. They weren’t touching....they weren’t even really conversing...it was more like their bodies had gravitated towards each other...each turned slightly into the other. Watching them, Sara was pretty sure that neither even realized they were doing it....it looked natural....it looked comfortable....and as Sara looked at Elle she saw a calmness come over the young girl she had never really noticed before.

“I spoke to your dad this morning Elle. He has to meet with some of your mom’s doctors....but I can drive you home. Your brother is at his friend Steve’s house....”

“Ummmmm...can I stay here for a little....I don’t want....the house is so empty.....”

“If I remember correctly Shelly, you said you could kick my butt at that new video game...I’d like to see you try...”

“I can totally beat you....Noah.”

“Oh you are on. Mom, you ok with the dishes?”

Sara found herself smiling again at the amazing young man her son was becoming.

“Yeah, of course....go play your game. I’m going to head out for a bit after I wash these. Just text me when you are ready to go home Elle.”

“Will do....thanks Sara.”

With that the two teenagers left Sara alone in the kitchen. She texted Mike.

*Elle is gonna stay here awhile.....video game war with Noah. I’m gonna head to the hospital. U need anything?

Mike answered back right as she was finishing the dishes.

*With Noah? Guess Lee is still at your mom’s. We are good here. Joni has been asking for you. She is happy you are coming....she likes company while I talk to the doctors

*Tell her I’ll be there in half an hour. 

As Sara drove to the hospital she could not get the picture of Noah and Elle at breakfast out of her mind....there was nothing overtly romantic about how they were sitting, or talking, or acting....yet it seemed so intimate. Sara knew Elle had always had a crush on Noah....pretty much everyone knew except Noah....Sara was sure even Lee knew....but this was different. There was something older and more mature about what she saw...something beyond childhood crushes...this looked and felt grounded....almost like it was meant to be. God, Sara really needed to talk to her best friend!

Walking into the hospital room was harder than she had imagined, thou. Seeing Joni hooked up to machines she knew could do nothing to save her life was mind numbing to Sara. Knowing that soon Joni wouldn’t be here to talk to at all was mind blowing. For her entire adult life Sara had Joni...they did nearly everything together....they even got pregnant at the same time! No one could make Sara laugh more than her best friend and thru the hardest of times they had always been there for each other. Sara knew what her role was now...be the strong one....be the one who tells Joni it’s going to be ok....tell her that she has nothing to worry about....that Mike and the kids were going to be fine....but how do you do that when all of it sounds and feels like lies. How was this going to be ok? How were any of them going to be ok?

“Staring at the machines aren’t going to magically make them heal me, you know?”

Sara blinked as she snapped out of her downward spiral and looked at Joni....smiling, beautiful Joni.

“I’m sorry. I drifted there for a second.”

“Yeah I noticed...what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“You know the weather...what I’m going to make for dinner....how I’m going to help my best friend...”

“Well if I look out the window I’d say it’s sunny....you should make your meatloaf so you can bring me leftovers tomorrow....and being here, that helps. What else?”

Sara eyed her friend suspiciously...Joni always had a nack for knowing when something was bothering her....as she sat next to the bed.

“Ok....it’s probably nothing....so you don’t get to gloat....Elle came over upset last night but Noah was the only one home.....she ended up sleeping over....they seemed different this morning....”

“You don’t think something happened between them, do you?”

“No...nothing like that...which is why you can not gloat....they just seemed more connected this morning....more in synch...I don’t know really how to describe it.....they acted totally normal, yet totally different...it was like something between them clicked in place....ahhh I know I’m not making sense. It was more a feeling I guess. Both of them looked so at peace...I don’t know I’m probably imagining things.”

Joni smiled knowingly.

“I said you could not gloat!”

“I didn’t say a word....”

“Yeah your face said everything for you.”

Both laughed.

“Noah calms Elle and Elle calms Noah....even when they were little....maybe I’m wrong and that’s all it will ever be or maybe I’m right and they will end up together but for now....I’m just happy Elle has all of you guys....and if Noah gives her peace right now....that’s a comfort to me. Elle is going to need as much of that as she can get.”

Sara leaned over to grab Joni’s hand.

“You know we are all here for whatever you need.”

“I know. The kids are gonna need a lot more than I do. I’m so glad they are going to have you and your family. Promise me Sara...you will look over them for me...be there because I can’t...”

Both women had tears falling freely down their cheeks.

“Joni you don’t even have to ask...your kids will always have me....your grandkids will learn all about their amazing grandma Joni....”

“Well, if I’m right, some of my grandkids will be your grandkids too....”

This time both laughed.

“You really are so sure Noah and Elle will end up together....”

“Yeah...it’s always been there....do you remember the look he gave her the first time I laid her in his arms after she was born?”

“He wasn’t even 2 yet! He looked overwhelmed by both babies.”

“No...no..there was something else there....I saw it that day. And yes, they have fought, a lot, growing up...but it’s still always been there...what you saw today...that’s what I’ve always seen. That reminds me...I have a picture of that first day he held her. I need to make sure mike knows where it is....”

“To do what with....what do you have up your sleeve Joni?”

“Nothing...there are just some things I want to make sure the kids get....and I have always loved that picture.”

Sara shook her head and laughed.

“Well for my own dignity I hope you are wrong because I don’t think anyone will ever forgive me if I have to sing at a Noah and Elle wedding!”

“Oh you will gladly do it....because Sara Flynn never backs done from a bet! I just wish I could be there to see it...”

Silence hung in the air.

“Why are we talking about this....Elle is 14, Noah nearly 16....neither is getting married anytime soon....not to each other or anyone else for that matter. My rendition of that song can stay between us fir awhile.”

“They would have to get thru to Lee first anyway.”

“God...that would be awful.”

“Yeah, for a second but they all love each other so much I have faith they would figure it out.”

“If it ever comes to it I hope you are right.”

“You will see. I’m right about Noah and Elle and I’m right about Lee. We are the family we chose, right?”

“Absolutely. And I wouldn’t want it any other way.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was a hard one to write....I think it’s gonna get harder from here. Again you don’t have to read my other TKB story to understand this but as I write more I really feel like reading both only enhances each. All mistakes are mine. Please read and review.

The weeks that followed were hectic and overwhelming and on most days Elle found herself at the Flynn’s. Sometimes it was just her and Lee, sometimes Noah would join and some days....like today.... Elle would get there before Lee got home and it would just be her and Noah for a little while. 

They were sitting on the couch watching some teen rom-com....a movie Elle picked and Noah, much to her shock, agreed to. The female lead has just stumbled into a party and both Noah and Elle laughed.

“That’s something that would happen to you Shelly.”

“Probably...It’s my mom’s fault....I got my clumsiness from her”

Noah turned to look at Elle...her face had fallen as she thought of her mom. He knew it was getting harder for Elle to be home. Joni has decided she didn’t want to die in the hospital and for the last few weeks they have all watched her slowly decline. It was why she was spending more and more time here and he always made sure to do whatever she wanted when it was just the two of them.

“She’s getting worse Noah...”

Noah place a comforting hand in her knee.

“I know...we don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to....”

“No...I should....I need to....she sleeps most of the time now....which makes her look peaceful but I’m always scared she won’t wake up....and then when she does she is really drugged up...it’s almost like it’s not her. I don’t know what to say to her or do for her...I don’t want to cry in front of her....”

“That’s why you have us. Elle whatever you need we are all here for you....”

“I know and it means so much to me. You have no idea how much you have helped me.....”

“We all love you....”

“I know and you have all been amazing but I really do need to thank you specifically....”

Noah looked at her confused.

“My dad is a mess....he won’t leave my moms side.....I hear them whispering at all hours....whenever she is awake...I think they are making plans for when she is gone. And Brad....he is just so young...I have to be strong for him. Lee is Lee and I love him but he keeps trying to make me laugh or forget for a little....and I get what he is doing, I do....but it’s hard sometimes. I can’t really forget and sometimes I don’t feel like laughing....but I don’t want to hurt his feelings....I know he means well....and your mom...you know I love your mom but I can see my pain reflected in her face....I don’t want to add to what she is going thru....”

“Elle my mom would never ask you not to....”

“I know it’s just easier when I’m with you. You don’t try to make me laugh or forget....I know I can cry with you.....I don’t really have the words to describe how knowing that makes me feel....closest I can come is safe and right now, most days I feel anything but safe...so thank you....”

Elle tears were streaming down her face as a Noah wrapped an arm around her and pulled her head to his shoulder.

“Elle I will always be here for whatever you need...always.”

“I just don’t know what I’m going to do without her....”

“I don’t know either but what I do know is that you are strong....your mother raised you to be....and whatever comes next you are going to face it head on....with all of us standing beside you.”

“It’s hard to see that right now.”

“That’s ok....that’s why you have all of us.”

Elle smiled faintly thru her tears as Noah began to rub his hand up and down her back. It was something Elle noticed he did a lot with her lately and she found that it soothed her more than anything else did during all of this. They sat like that in comfortable silence until Noah’s stomach growled and both giggled.

“Someone is hungry.”

“Yeah I guess so....I think we have cold cuts in the fridge...want to make sandwiches?”

“Yeah that sounds good.”

As the two headed into the kitchen Sara came into the house....it was clear she had been crying.

“Mom is everything ok?”

“Where is your brother?”

“He had math extra help after school.....Sara what’s wrong?”

“Noah text Lee...tell him we are picking him up...Elle....I’m so sorry sweetie....we need to get you home...Joni....your mom....we think it’s time.”

Elle felt her legs give out and then Noah’s strong arms around her center holding her up. The rest was a blur. Some how the three got into the car. Elle knew she didn’t want to be alone in the back seat and Noah seemed to know too because as Sara drove towards the school the two teenagers sat in the back silently. Noah at one pointed had texted his brother and Lee was waiting out front of the school when Sara pulled up. Wordlessly he got in the car and sat on the other side of Elle grabbing her hand.

When they walked in the Evans’ house the silence was deafening. The three teenagers sat on the couch....Noah and Lee still sandwiching Elle...as Sara went into Joni’s room. A few minutes later Mike walked out alone and Elle immediately jumped up to hug her father.

“Joni and Sara want to talk for a little....can I get you guys anything....your mom brought some food over earlier....it’s in the kitchen.”

Noah and Lee looked at each other and nodded.

“We can get it Mr. Evans. You stay here with Elle.”

“Thank you boys.”

Lee and Noah headed into the kitchen as Elle and her dad sat on the couch.

“Where’s Brad, dad?”

“He was in with your mom before. He is upstairs....he is too young to really understand....”

Elle shook her head....her dad didn’t need to finish his sentence. Her dad put his arm around her, pulling her close and she rested her head on his shoulder. Noah found them sitting like that when he came out of the kitchen a few minutes later.

“Um everything is out...do you guys want anything....I can make you plate...”

Just as Elle and Mike looked up at Noah Sara came out of the room. Wiping away tears Sara looked at her son.

“Joni would like to talk to you now Noah.”

Noah looked at his mom sadly before dropping his head and walking towards the room she had just left. As he was about the pass her he reached for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

“Love you mom.”

Sara’s tear filled eyes met his as her free hand cupped his face.

“I love you more baby.”

Noah smiled weakly and continued into Joni’s room. He had been in here a few times over the last few weeks. Sara had he and Lee come over to help out a couple of times a week. It looked different now because so many of the machines were gone but there was Joni lying there looking so tiny and frail. Noah could feel his eyes start to water.

“It’s ok Noah....come sit by me.”

Noah did as he was told and took a seat on the chair that was set by the bed. Joni reached for his hand.

“How are you Noah?”

Noah almost felt like he could laugh....Joni and his mom were so much alike....always worrying about everyone else....both could also tell when someone is lying so he knew not to try. 

“I’m gonna miss you.”

“Oh sweetie I know...I’m gonna miss you too.”

“I wish there was something I could do to fix this....to make you better....everyone is hurting and I can’t help and it makes me mad...”

“It makes me mad too....but there is nothing any one of us can do....the doctors tried everything and we are here now and it sucks...but there is something you can do for me...”

Noah looked up at Joni with expectant eyes.

“Watch over Elle....I know she has her dad and Sara and Lee....and they will each give her things she needs....Mike will give her a dad’s love, Sara will be a mother’s ear, and Lee will make her laugh....but you can make her feel safe....”

“Elle told me today I make her feel safe.....”

Joni smiled....a nearly real big Joni smile. Noah couldn’t remember the last time he saw her smile like that.

“I know....you always have....protect her...she feels invincible when she is with a Lee....which I love for her....that confidence that comes from having an amazing best friend....but her and Lee don’t always think before they do things....they are going to need you there if and when things go haywire. Can you do that....for me?”

“Of course Joni...I will always be there...for both of them.”

“You are a good boy Noah Flynn and you are gonna be a good man...don’t ever let anyone tell you any different. Never forget that I love you like a son.”

“I love you too....so much.....”

Noah stayed with Joni for a few more minutes. She asked about school and football. He told her about he had started to like architecture and how his dad was already talking about him applying to ivys because his grades were so good. Eventually Joni nodded off and Noah quietly exited the room to join his family in the kitchen. Everyone, including his dad, who had come straight from work, looked up at him.

“She’s just sleeping.”

The group released a collective breath.

“Come sit down baby, I’ll make you a plate.”

Sara got up and went to the counter where all the food was set up. Noah took a seat next to Elle. It was the quietest family dinner Noah would ever remember. When they were done Elle and Noah cleaned the dishes as a Lee went in to talk to Joni and Sara and Mike went to check on Brad. Hours later surrounded by the people she loved the most Joni Evans passed away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this is a short one but it’s basically one sided dialogue so what are you gonna do?! There will be a epilogue after this chapter that will really tie this story in with “What Did You Just Say” so if you haven’t read that now may be a good time. All mistakes are mine. Please read and review.

It was cold and dreary as Elle walked up to her mom’s grave. She hadn’t been here since the day of the funeral and she had never been here alone, but Sara had offered to drive her and sit in the car and Elle really wanted to talk to her mom. 

“Hey mom...sorry I haven’t been here before today....I didn’t think I was strong enough....to see your name on a stone instead of your smiling face...I still don’t think I’m strong enough.....I hate that you are gone....I hate that a piece of me went with you....I hate that I don’t have my mom....I feel a little lost and I wish you were really here to talk to but Sara thought this could help....and you know once Sara gets an idea in her head it’s better to agree to it than fight it.”

Elle sat down and started plucking at the grass growing around her mom’s grave. 

“It’s been hard going back to school.....everyone keeps asking me how I am....and I know they want me to say I’m ok...but it’s not true....and it’s not their fault it’s not true....so I lie and say I am and then I try to pretend like I am....by 2nd period I’m exhausted and cranky and I’ve definitely taken it out on Lee and Noah.....who have both been amazing and don’t deserve me yelling at them....I just don’t know what to do....I miss you so much....I need you so much....Lee is still trying to make me laugh all the time and I get that he means well it’s just...I don’t feel like laughing much...but I feel like I can’t tell him that...should I tell him that? And then there’s Noah...I thought I was over my crush on him...I really did...but he has been so great...it’s like he is the only one I can be me with right now...he lets me be mad or sad...he rubs my back as I cry...he will do whatever I want when we hang out....and sometimes I think I catch him looking at me....like really looking at me....but I’m sure I’m just imagining it....Noah could never.....would never....like me like that...he’s Noah Flynn! I’ll always just be his little brother’s best friend. And then there are the fights....it’s getting worse mom...Noah has gotten into more fights over the last two weeks then all of last year. Lee says he is angry a lot when he is home but I haven’t seen that....I don’t know....maybe I’m too messed up to see it....to see anyone else’s pain but my own....I do know he never seems to start it....but he just can’t seem to control how he reacts to things....to people. I wish I could help him....like he has helped me....but I don’t even know where to begin....I think Sara is worried about him too...she would never tell me....but I can see it......I can also see how much she misses her best friend....I want to help her but I don’t know how....I don’t even think I can....I’m so lost.....we are all so lost without you mom. Dad tries to hide it....tries to act strong...but I hear him at night....he cries....Brad is just really confused...he doesn’t always understand you are not coming back....that makes it hard....explaining that you are gone is like going thru all of it again. We miss you mom....I miss you. I just keep thinking about all the stuff you aren’t going to be here for. You will never meet my husband or my kids. You won’t get to see me in my prom dress or be here when I need to get over a broken heart. It’s not fair. I know I still have dad and Sara and Lee....but what about now? I don’t know what to do with how I’m feeling about Noah and I can’t go to Sara or Lee for obvious reasons and dad is terrible for boy advice. I really like him mom. More than I thought....more than I should. I know he doesn’t feel the same....which is good because Lee would disown me if anything ever happened between me and Noah....but what I feel is more than a crush and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that. When Noah smiles....not his polite smile....not his smirk....his real, ear to ear, could light up a room, smile....it’s like I can feel a piece of my heart heal.....no that’s not right....nothing could heal how much I miss you....but...I guess it’s more like.....this hole I have....this black hole I get pulled to when the missing you starts to get to be too much....it’s not as dark when he smiles....when I’m with him....oh God I don’t think I’m making any sense....I just....I just like the way I feel when I’m with him. The world feels like it’s spinning out of control most of the time but when I’m with him everything starts to slow down....it doesn’t stop...I still feel your lose....I still have the same worries I’ve always had about school and how I look....but the spinning slows down enough that I can see clearly....I can breath....I feel safe....what am I going to do mom? I don’t know what to do? How do I get over someone I’ve never been with to begin with? And how do I do it without my mom?”

Tears were streaming down Elle’s face. She would do anything to hear her mom’s voice....to have her say everything was going to be ok. Elle wasn’t sure how long she sat there crying but eventually she felt Sara’s hand on her shoulder and turned to look at her.

“Hey why don’t you go sit in the car for a little. There are tissues in there and you can warm up...I could use a some time with Joni myself....if that’s ok?”

“Yeah, yeah....I could definitely use tissues.”

Elle got up and squeezed Sara’s hand before heading towards the car. Sara quietly sat on the ground Elle had been occupying.

“Hey Joni....our girl is not doing too good....I want to help her but I’m not sure how....you’ve left a huge hole here....I don’t think you ever realized how important you were to all of us. I feel like I’m failing you Joni....I can’t help your daughter or Mike and Brad is just so confused. And I’m failing my boys....Lee is beside himself trying to figure out how to help Elle....and Noah....Noah keeps getting into fights....I know he has always gotten into scruffs....but it’s different now....he has this anger inside him and nothing I do seems to be helping....he seems better when he is around Elle.....and you still can not gloat....nothing has happened....but she does seem to calm him. I’m just worried he is so bright and this could really derail a future for him. We are talking about sending him to a therapist....maybe some anger management classes.....it makes Noah angrier but I really think he has to talk to someone....maybe we all do. I wasn’t supposed to do this without you....we were going to raise our kids together and be the two old biddies at the nursing home sitting on the porch gossiping. I don’t know how I do any if this without you now.”

Sara began to wipe her tears as she sat up a little straighter.

“But I promised you I would take care of our kids and I have no intention of breaking that promise....but if you could send some signs once in a while or somehow push things in the right direction I wouldn’t mind the help. God I miss you Joni. I miss your laugh and your advice....I miss knowing I could call you at any time of day and you would listen and help me figure whatever out. It’s going to be really hard without you but I’ll do it because you and me...our friendship...created a family and that family needs help right now. I won’t let you down....I won’t let any of them down.”


	5. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here it is...the end. It’s just a short epilogue that ties this story to my other TKB story. All mistakes are mine. Please read and review.

Two days after a Lee’s wedding Sara found herself once again at Joni’s grave.....but for once she wasn’t alone.

“Hey Joni. I know the kids brought this one by already but I thought it was only appropriate that he get to spend some time with both of his grandmas at the same time.”

Sara sat down in front of the stone as she twisted the baby around so he was facing the same as her.

“Isn’t he beautiful Joni? So much of him is Noah, but he is already as stubborn as Elle and he has her eyes. Noah and Elle are totally in love with him. You had to see them the day he was born...Elle had been in labor for hours and there were times during it I thought Noah was gonna either pass out or throw up....but then Jonny arrived and it was like all that stuff disappeared....like it always does with babies....I, of course, got a picture....and it is a beauty....Elle is big on pictures...she has them up all over their house in San Francisco.....so many of the ones you made sure she got are prominently displayed.....especially that one of Noah holding Elle as a baby...oh and there are so many of you....this little one is gonna know what his grandma Joni looks like....she even has that picture of you and me freshmen year at that mixer....do you remember that? God our fashion choices alone would be enough to make me laugh forever...but then we put on those ridiculous feather boas and hats....what were we thinking?”

As she laughed a few tears escaped her eyes. Sara quickly wiped them away.

“Yeah I’m not gonna cry today. Today is a good day. Lee’s wedding was beautiful. Melissa really is perfect for him....and you know for a while I thought Lee would never settle down. You would have loved Elle’s speech....she had everyone at the reception hysterical laughing from beginning to end....and Noah, of course, was the serious one that had everyone crying...Joni I wish you could see them all together now....it’s how we always imagined it....they are more than friends...more than family....they are this indestructible unit now....it took them long enough, don’t you think? How many times did I come here so worried about them and now....watching them the other night....it was like all that stuff...those years of them all not talking....those years where I had to watch them all walk around in a fog....there all gone...they are closer now than I ever remember them being growing up. And now we have this one added to the mix. Lee is obsessed with him...he goes up to San Francisco so much I was worried he was going to move the wedding up there after we had done all the planning for here! Clearly he didn’t...but I think Melissa may have actually had to talk to him about it.”

John began to squirm and fuss so Sara reached into the diaper bag to give him a bippy. He immediately calmed down.

“And Noah and Elle are just so good with him. I was originally planning to stay with them after John was born for two weeks....I left after one. They had it covered....I mean sure they have questions and both have called in the middle of the night...but it’s never really a catastrophe....it’s the silly stuff every parent worries about. I wish you could see them Joni....I hope wherever you are you can see them. I’ll catch them looking at each other sometimes....even all these years after they got back together....and I feel like I’m intruding on a very private moment....we could be in the middle of a restaurant or sitting in the family room....their eyes meet and the rest of us disappear. Is that what you saw all those years ago? I still don’t understand how you always seemed to know they would end up together. At the end you were so sure and I still couldn’t see it. Who knows maybe if you had gotten better....if you were here when everything fell apart....you could have fixed it faster. I try not to dwell on that too much....I know the kids don’t...but sometimes I’ll look at how happy they all are now and feel sad they missed having that always....I know I’m being silly....and I promise I don’t let it bring any of us down....it’s just one of the many things I wish you were here to talk to about...but then I think about how much you would be gloating that you were right....and I get over it real fast.”

Sara laughed and the bippy that had precariously been hanging out of a now sleeping John’s mouth fell onto the grass. Quickly picking it up Sara then placed it back in the diaper bag.

“Good thing the kids packed three of these. They were so cute today....it’s the first time they have left him with anyone overnight....you would think they were leaving him with Freddy Kruger....Elle went over his feeding times and nap schedule at least four times and Noah was telling us about all the dangers my house had......we had a baby proofer go thru the whole house the minute Elle told us they were pregnant.....and I had two kids of my own....they both survived into adulthood....I think I can watch my grandson for a few nights! I nearly kicked them out of my house...in the end I had to push them because they just kept kissing John....I’m shocked they haven’t texted me more....I’m hoping that’s once they got to Chicago they realized how ridiculous they were being....John will be perfectly happy with us for a few days....and decided to enjoy their time alone. I think it’s great they are finally going back there....it’s almost been ten years....and at least this time there is no snow coming.”

Looking down at John peacefully sleeping in her arms Sara smiled at how far they had all come....at how many happy memories they had created....at all the memories to come.

“You may not be here physically Joni but you are always in our hearts and this little man....and every baby that comes after....is going to know how incredible you were and how much you loved all of us....and how much we all still love you. You will never be forgotten Joni. You will always be a part of this family....because it was you and me....our friendship....that started it all.”


End file.
